Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
