My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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