best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
