ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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