I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
