My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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