I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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