yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
