i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
