the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Please don't give away my fajitas
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
