i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize