You're a womanizer and a bitch.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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