I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
