You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
