some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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