i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
