What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Randomize
