Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
