Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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