I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Randomize
