I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
