i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
