Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
