dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
