You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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