I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
