I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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