when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
