The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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