this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
