Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
from now on my penis is your penis
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
