I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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