If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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