I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I did not marry a roomba.
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