friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
