then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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