apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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