i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
