I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
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