i can't believe i had my finger in that
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
