Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
