woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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