What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
