just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize