the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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