You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
