his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
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