Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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