I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
