i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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