Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize