this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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