end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize