I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
it wasn't lemon gatorade
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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