Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize