Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
