if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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