Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Randomize
