My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
