The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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