Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
She bit a glass in half.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
