I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
